3 years ago, to believe in God was the easiest thing for me to believe. However, today it seems not to be that easy. Indeed, I have to be honest to me, maybe I can cheat my friend or my mum, but I can never lie to myself, never lie to God. Now I don't have the faith to offer $10 a week to church but I am willing to use more than that amount to purchase cigarettes. Therefore, quite frankly, I am worshiping Nicotine which I consider it "immortal". I have to say that my faith has been corrupted to a great extent!
Therefore, I must make some change in life, and I decided to quit smoking forever. For me, stop smoking is so easy because I have been doing it only for a couple of months. I am definitely not physically addicted to that. Yet, stop smoking indeed, is not the most important thing. The number 1 thing for me now is to believe in HIM. I used to believe in Jesus Christ deeply, and to believe in Jesus was the easiest thing for me to do, but now it's not that easy any more. Today to believe in Jesus seems to be harder for me to stop smoking.
Why?
No.1 Negativity
Because I have been through too much, I have been thinking a lot. I have seen so much failure happened in other saints' lives. I also think my current life and situation is terrible.
No.2 I want to be more than a foolish Christian
"Every whisper/of every waking hour/I am choosing my confessions/trying to keep up with you/like a hurt lost blinded fool/fool"(REM "losing my religion")
I don't think Jesus is just a dream and I still believe in Christianity, but I do want to have more wisdom, to be more profound, rather than a hurt lost blinded fool. God offer us so many gifts, which including languages, music skills and so on, and the greatest gift is, indeed, the free will. Therefore, I want to be creative, and I am ambitious to be a DIFFERENT one, a different ME at anywhere.
The above reasons are probably the major things which currently hold my faith back. Only Holy Spirit can overcome them, and I love this sentence:"Life is a journey!" GOOD LUCK WITH MYSELF now!
2010年4月25日星期日
2010年4月16日星期五
Life is a mirror
Friedrich Nietzsche has said:" Life is a mirror, and the first priority is to get our image through this mirror." To be honest, this word is sad but true!
I remember my uni friend Thommo. I saw Thommo on the exam day in last year. On that day he is going to take his first year Maths exam. He told me he was 24, so he was born in the same year as me. He loved Rock music too, and his style was new metal. I wish I could be like him but I can never make that, because I am not brave enough to afford that. Although I know commerce is what I hate so much, and I know music, maths and physics are what I really want to study, I give up them. Part of the reason is my family's wish, but I have a duty to this too!
I also remember my uni friend Darren. He is 12 years older than me, and he is engaged but not married. Different to me, he was born in a working class family. I am sure he has suffered much more pain in his youth than me. However, he is studying what he likes--History and he enjoys history all the time.
Through the mirror of Thommo and Darren, I have found I am sad in my ways. For argument sake, even if I have $100,000 deposit in my bank account; will I be able to commit myself for my favourite thing? Can I play the guitar 4 hours a day for 3 weeks? Probably no... I can't do this because I can't make it, so I don't have to say "I don't deserve it".
God, I don't know how to draw a conclusion here. All I can say is I am still observing myself, so I just pray for your blessing. A-Men!
I remember my uni friend Thommo. I saw Thommo on the exam day in last year. On that day he is going to take his first year Maths exam. He told me he was 24, so he was born in the same year as me. He loved Rock music too, and his style was new metal. I wish I could be like him but I can never make that, because I am not brave enough to afford that. Although I know commerce is what I hate so much, and I know music, maths and physics are what I really want to study, I give up them. Part of the reason is my family's wish, but I have a duty to this too!
I also remember my uni friend Darren. He is 12 years older than me, and he is engaged but not married. Different to me, he was born in a working class family. I am sure he has suffered much more pain in his youth than me. However, he is studying what he likes--History and he enjoys history all the time.
Through the mirror of Thommo and Darren, I have found I am sad in my ways. For argument sake, even if I have $100,000 deposit in my bank account; will I be able to commit myself for my favourite thing? Can I play the guitar 4 hours a day for 3 weeks? Probably no... I can't do this because I can't make it, so I don't have to say "I don't deserve it".
God, I don't know how to draw a conclusion here. All I can say is I am still observing myself, so I just pray for your blessing. A-Men!
2010年4月15日星期四
Take everything
Take everything in life as if I am taking nothing, and take nothing as if I am taking something. We always think we have nothing, but actually we have something. We always think we are taking everything well, but actually we cannot take anything at all. Thus, firstly we need to take something as if we are taking nothing. Try to do things for nobody's sake. Then, we can take more things. Similarly, firstly we need to give up doing something as if we are doing it, so later on we can give up everything as if we haven't given up them.
Life seems to be a big joke that God give to me. Take it, as if it didn't happen. Now I am the happiest man in this world.
Life seems to be a big joke that God give to me. Take it, as if it didn't happen. Now I am the happiest man in this world.
2010年4月3日星期六
Feelings(2)--Annmarie, what a nice girl!
I had a good talk with her today, Annmarie, a skinny and lovely Malaysian Aussie girl in the church. I met her when she was 14 and I was 21. That year we were in Timothy's cell. In my vague memory she looked like a typical secondary school student, everything typical--the ways she dressed, the ways she talked. I didn't really talk with her and we did not really know each other personally. 3 years later, I chatted with her on MSN. I asked whether this was Annabelle Jingsian Lee, she said she was Annmarie and she said she remembered me, and then we had a short conversation online. She told me she was in year 12, and she had a older brother who was born in the same year as me. It seemed that she did not study hard at all as a year 12 student, as she spent a lot of time on MSN.
When today's Easter sermon finished, there were still many people in the church. Daniel, she and I were standing at the back hall. Daniel talked to her for a while and then went to somewhere else, and I started a conversation with her. I said I always saw her on MSN, and she said the same to her too. She told me her brother had married, and the wedding was not very grand. Her dad had spent much money on his only son's wedding. She is studying in RMIT and majoring in Medical Chemistry. I said I used to be not bad at chemistry, but because Rock'N'Roll music had spoilt my time in high school I ended up with commerce now. She is very in favour of that I could switch to Chemistry a bit later when I am going to be free in this country. We talked about something else as well, and I had a good feeling to her. I do like this kind of young chicks, but we will never be together.
When today's Easter sermon finished, there were still many people in the church. Daniel, she and I were standing at the back hall. Daniel talked to her for a while and then went to somewhere else, and I started a conversation with her. I said I always saw her on MSN, and she said the same to her too. She told me her brother had married, and the wedding was not very grand. Her dad had spent much money on his only son's wedding. She is studying in RMIT and majoring in Medical Chemistry. I said I used to be not bad at chemistry, but because Rock'N'Roll music had spoilt my time in high school I ended up with commerce now. She is very in favour of that I could switch to Chemistry a bit later when I am going to be free in this country. We talked about something else as well, and I had a good feeling to her. I do like this kind of young chicks, but we will never be together.
2010年4月2日星期五
Feelings—Melody, do you know how I felt inside when you came to hug me?
Melody, when you came to hug me today, don’t you know I felt like nothing at all?
When I firstly saw you 5 years ago, you were sitting in Larry’s car, and you coloured hair brown when you were 18 and I was 20. You must have forgotten that but I still remember clearly. At my first glance, you were a skinny, lovely Malaysian girl. When you were 20 and I was 22, we were leading Timo’s cell together, you were always so kind to me. You always gave me free rides and encouragement, like the scripture in the song “every time when I was down, you would always come around, and get my feet back on the ground”. In that year, you were the lover in my dream but not in my wet dreams. When we finished that year in Timo’s cell, you graduated and ended up a nurse position in Monash Public. You certainly were very sick when you just started your work. One day you said I must be very happy because I was studying and working part-time at the same time, but I replied that “I have to work in the butcher to smell the bloody smell for 8 hours a day, do you think that is happy”. I was with full of angry in my heart, so my way of presenting must have scared you. You then sadly said: “no, no…”
Time always costs us to be out of memories. The happiness in our childhood, knowledge we learnt from schools and even lots of love in the past have all gone with wind. Now you are 23 and I am 25, the Good Friday’s sermon has finished, there were only a few guys in the church hall. We saw each other from 10 metres away, and I walked to you and you have opened your arm to me. You gave me a hug when I tried to shake your hand. I know you still love me because we are siblings in Christ. But in that moment, what I felt inside was nothing but a moan! 3 years ago, 3 years ago, I dreamed you could hug me and we could be hand in hand. But who knows that 3 years later when you hugged me tightly but I didn’t feel like it, not at all!
What I want to have is the true respect, which is for who I am but not for the sake of compassion. I am a man so I must be strong. This might be part of my pride which is my sin, and this might be my instinct as a man.
When I firstly saw you 5 years ago, you were sitting in Larry’s car, and you coloured hair brown when you were 18 and I was 20. You must have forgotten that but I still remember clearly. At my first glance, you were a skinny, lovely Malaysian girl. When you were 20 and I was 22, we were leading Timo’s cell together, you were always so kind to me. You always gave me free rides and encouragement, like the scripture in the song “every time when I was down, you would always come around, and get my feet back on the ground”. In that year, you were the lover in my dream but not in my wet dreams. When we finished that year in Timo’s cell, you graduated and ended up a nurse position in Monash Public. You certainly were very sick when you just started your work. One day you said I must be very happy because I was studying and working part-time at the same time, but I replied that “I have to work in the butcher to smell the bloody smell for 8 hours a day, do you think that is happy”. I was with full of angry in my heart, so my way of presenting must have scared you. You then sadly said: “no, no…”
Time always costs us to be out of memories. The happiness in our childhood, knowledge we learnt from schools and even lots of love in the past have all gone with wind. Now you are 23 and I am 25, the Good Friday’s sermon has finished, there were only a few guys in the church hall. We saw each other from 10 metres away, and I walked to you and you have opened your arm to me. You gave me a hug when I tried to shake your hand. I know you still love me because we are siblings in Christ. But in that moment, what I felt inside was nothing but a moan! 3 years ago, 3 years ago, I dreamed you could hug me and we could be hand in hand. But who knows that 3 years later when you hugged me tightly but I didn’t feel like it, not at all!
What I want to have is the true respect, which is for who I am but not for the sake of compassion. I am a man so I must be strong. This might be part of my pride which is my sin, and this might be my instinct as a man.
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