How to believe in him today?

3 years ago, to believe in God was the easiest thing for me to believe. However, today it seems not to be that easy. Indeed, I have to be honest to me, maybe I can cheat my friend or my mum, but I can never lie to myself, never lie to God. Now I don't have the faith to offer $10 a week to church but I am willing to use more than that amount to purchase cigarettes. Therefore, quite frankly, I am worshiping Nicotine which I consider it "immortal". I have to say that my faith has been corrupted to a great extent!

Therefore, I must make some change in life, and I decided to quit smoking forever. For me, stop smoking is so easy because I have been doing it only for a couple of months. I am definitely not physically addicted to that. Yet, stop smoking indeed, is not the most important thing. The number 1 thing for me now is to believe in HIM. I used to believe in Jesus Christ deeply, and to believe in Jesus was the easiest thing for me to do, but now it's not that easy any more. Today to believe in Jesus seems to be harder for me to stop smoking.

Why?
No.1 Negativity
Because I have been through too much, I have been thinking a lot. I have seen so much failure happened in other saints' lives. I also think my current life and situation is terrible.

No.2 I want to be more than a foolish Christian
"Every whisper/of every waking hour/I am choosing my confessions/trying to keep up with you/like a hurt lost blinded fool/fool"(REM "losing my religion")

I don't think Jesus is just a dream and I still believe in Christianity, but I do want to have more wisdom, to be more profound, rather than a hurt lost blinded fool. God offer us so many gifts, which including languages, music skills and so on, and the greatest gift is, indeed, the free will. Therefore, I want to be creative, and I am ambitious to be a DIFFERENT one, a different ME at anywhere.

The above reasons are probably the major things which currently hold my faith back. Only Holy Spirit can overcome them, and I love this sentence:"Life is a journey!" GOOD LUCK WITH MYSELF now!