Feelings—Melody, do you know how I felt inside when you came to hug me?

Melody, when you came to hug me today, don’t you know I felt like nothing at all?

When I firstly saw you 5 years ago, you were sitting in Larry’s car, and you coloured hair brown when you were 18 and I was 20. You must have forgotten that but I still remember clearly. At my first glance, you were a skinny, lovely Malaysian girl. When you were 20 and I was 22, we were leading Timo’s cell together, you were always so kind to me. You always gave me free rides and encouragement, like the scripture in the song “every time when I was down, you would always come around, and get my feet back on the ground”. In that year, you were the lover in my dream but not in my wet dreams. When we finished that year in Timo’s cell, you graduated and ended up a nurse position in Monash Public. You certainly were very sick when you just started your work. One day you said I must be very happy because I was studying and working part-time at the same time, but I replied that “I have to work in the butcher to smell the bloody smell for 8 hours a day, do you think that is happy”. I was with full of angry in my heart, so my way of presenting must have scared you. You then sadly said: “no, no…”

Time always costs us to be out of memories. The happiness in our childhood, knowledge we learnt from schools and even lots of love in the past have all gone with wind. Now you are 23 and I am 25, the Good Friday’s sermon has finished, there were only a few guys in the church hall. We saw each other from 10 metres away, and I walked to you and you have opened your arm to me. You gave me a hug when I tried to shake your hand. I know you still love me because we are siblings in Christ. But in that moment, what I felt inside was nothing but a moan! 3 years ago, 3 years ago, I dreamed you could hug me and we could be hand in hand. But who knows that 3 years later when you hugged me tightly but I didn’t feel like it, not at all!

What I want to have is the true respect, which is for who I am but not for the sake of compassion. I am a man so I must be strong. This might be part of my pride which is my sin, and this might be my instinct as a man.